Grandparents and Divorce: Plymouth Symposium
When parents divorce or separate, how can grandparents be as supportive as possible, especially to their grandchildren? Responding in the most helpful way can call for good judgement. Getting it wrong, even if well intentioned, can lead to years of resentment and misunderstanding.
How can grandparents be helped at this difficult time?
In order to begin to think about this question, there was a gathering of those professionally involved with separating families, at The China House, Plymouth, on 11 February 2011. This was initiated by Grandparents Plus, and was organised by Plymouth Relate. Those invited included lawyers, counsellors, mediators, therapists, support groups and CAFCASS. Attendees brought their own case studies, completely anonymised, to keep the focus on real situations.
The day began by taking a look at the key issues about grandparenting from the research, clinical and practice literature, and from the law. David Pitcher, of Grandparents Plus, suggested that the four key themes are:
‘An Uncertain Role’: For all the importance of grandparents, there is no agreed way for grandparents to behave. Often society’s messages are contradictory, for example ‘Be close!’ and ‘Don’t interfere!’ Grandparents are expected to ‘know’, but are then criticised when they are seen to get it wrong. This uncertainty can also be a strength- it gives the flexibility to respond uniquely to each family situation.
‘Direct or Mediated?’ That is, is the relationship between the grandchild and the grandparent a strong, separate relationship in its own right, or is it managed by the parents, as go betweens? Is the primary focus of the grandparent the support of their adult son or daughter, or of their grandchild?
‘The Symbolism of Grandparents’: For many children, as well as for many grandparents, the freedom from the responsibilities of day-to-day care and discipline enables a certain idealism to take place. This can have psychological benefits. If boundaries of care are changed due to family disruption, this can affect this perception.
‘Practical Assistance’: When families separate, there is almost always a call on greater resources. This may be for housing, childcare, or many other needs. This can be quite difficult for all concerned, not only in terms of practical change, but of changing family relationships- for example, what is the effect on a parent of returning to live with his or her own parent?
Once everything is decided, new patterns will be set. These could be very difficult patterns, such as limited contact, or even no contact, between a child and his or her grandparents. Or, the grandparent could find themselves practically as parents! Once set, experience shows that it is very difficult to change. Before these patterns do become set, however, there is a critical period of several months in which things are fluid, provisional and are being negotiated.
Grandparents Plus and Relate wish to explore whether support provided at this time could be of value to grandparents and their families. If so, what kind of help? The delegates looked at the following possible ideas, which could be realistically trialled in Plymouth:
- A support group. This would run for 9-12 months, and would give a space for grandparents to discuss, in confidence, the challenges of their family situation and how to respond. Group members, supported by a Relate counsellor, could share ideas and help any response to be well considered;
- An intervention similar to a Separated Parents Information Programme [SPIP, formerly PIP], and possibly running alongside it. This would be similar to the support group, but would consist of only one or two sessions.
- A service by which grandparents can write, e-mail or phone for advice during the period their son or daughter was separating.
- An individual counselling service for grandparents, run by Relate, with specific expertise on grandparenting issues, provided through supervision by Grandparents Plus.
These ideas are not mutually exclusive, but one would have to be selected in order to seek charitable funding. It would depend on interest.
The group agreed that the principal issue will be getting grandparents to come, given the sensitive and private nature of family relationships. However, numbers would not have to be high- a support group of 6-8 would be viable.
The group concluded by agreeing that a page for grandparents would be added to the Plymouth Relate website. A link to this page could be placed on the website of all the legal firms and organisations represented today, and maybe beyond. A link to this page could be included on this.
The Herald, Radio Devon and BBC South West will be informed.
Once interest is established, charitable funding can be sought. However, a beginning can be made before funding is confirmed, as Dave is serving in a voluntary capacity, and other costs will not be high.
If the project does get going, there will be a further symposium in about a year’s time, together with a contribution to a practice journal.
Dave Pitcher and Sue Hirons
With thanks to:
Prue Marsh [Family Matters], Greg Yates [Howard & Over], Carrie Laws [Hartnell Chanot], Annemarie Richardson [Whiteford Crocker], Sally Hawken [Parents Apart], Andrew Bull [Families Need Fathers], John Stapleton [Relate], Dave Kendall [Woollcombe Yonge], Martin Leech [Gill Akaster], Will Giles [Nash & Co], Gavin Fennell [Accord Mediation], Alison Sadler [Wolferstans]
Photography: Adam Hirons
Funding: Grandparents Plus www.grandparentsplus.org.uk
Venue: The China House, Sutton Road, Barbican, Plymouth, PL4 0DW, tel: 01752 661592